Thereâ€™s nothing like getting your ass kicked by the neighborâ€™s twelve year old in a friendly game of Halo 3 to let you know your best days just might be behind you.Â After he gets sick and tired of killing you with his weapons, just for fun, he runs up to you and punches your lights out with his fists.Â After six or seven of those, you canâ€™t help but blurt out, â€œGo home you little bastard!â€
Of course that is just the moment your wife walks by, â€œDo you want me to take that game away from youâ€, and sheâ€™s not talking to the kids.
â€œIâ€™m sorry honey, I wonâ€™t say it again.â€Â She gives you that lookâ€”I married a two year old.
â€œBut heâ€™s cheating.â€Â Now she gives the worse lookâ€”I married a two year old and heâ€™s an idiot.
In the back of your mind youâ€™re thinkingâ€”O.K. sucker, if I donâ€™t beat you soon, Iâ€™m going to really beat you.
â€œAll right boys, why donâ€™t you go play with that Nerf Shooting thing you got.â€Â The boys get up happily to shoot at something that wonâ€™t swear at them.
â€œNot so fast Brandon!Â You stay right here, itâ€™s me and you, mano-a-mano baby.â€
â€œYou want to mano, old man?Â Letâ€™s go, Iâ€™ll mano you.â€
Smart ass doesnâ€™t know what the hell heâ€™s talking about.Â Now Iâ€™ve really got a chance, as long as this punk doesnâ€™t have two other targets to shoot at I can stay away from him and beat him with strategy even though he has me beat by dexterity.
After a hard fought battle where I begin to pull ahead, I start the taunts, â€œYouâ€™re going down Brandon, youâ€™re going downâ€¦â€
Finally I finish him off, proud and victorious.Â I beat the little brat, jump and cheer wildly high fiving anyone who walks by.Â
Brandon just looks at me dispirited and dismayed that I beat him.
â€œSo big deal, you beat a twelve year old, and my mom says youâ€™re just a heartless conservative.â€
â€œOh, we are resorting to name calling nowâ€¦tell your mom itâ€™s better to be a heartless conservative than a stupid liberal.Â If I was a stupid liberal, weâ€™d have to play with liberal rules, and youâ€™d never win.â€
â€œWhat are liberal rules?â€
â€œYouâ€™re the best, right?â€
â€œO.K., since youâ€™re the best, every time you get three points you get taxed one, and have to give it to me.Â So if we are playing to 25 you have to score 32 and I only have to score 18 to win.Â How do you like that?â€
After a long pause Brandon proclaims incredulously, â€œIâ€™m going home, you cheat!â€
â€œThatâ€™s it Brandon, donâ€™t engage the argument, donâ€™t debate the factsâ€¦â€
He slams our front door on his way out.Â My wife, just coming down the stairs to witness the spectacle exclaims, â€œWhatâ€™s going on down here?â€Â
She stared at me for an answer.
â€œThat kidâ€™s a typical liberal!â€
I turned and went back to play Xbox live online where I proceeded to get annihilated by a bunch of other brats since I couldnâ€™t institute the fair and just liberal rules.
For those of you parents who bought Xboxâ€™s for your kids this Christmas, remember to always play by liberal rules; that way when your kids are old enough to buy toys for their kids, maybe they will have voted in a manner that allows them to spend their hard-earned money on your grandchildren instead of someone elseâ€™s grandchildren.Â
Copyright 2007 Jim Pontillo