There’s nothing like getting your ass kicked by the neighbor’s twelve year old in a friendly game of Halo 3 to let you know your best days just might be behind you.  After he gets sick and tired of killing you with his weapons, just for fun, he runs up to you and punches your lights out with his fists.  After six or seven of those, you can’t help but blurt out, “Go home you little bastard!”

Of course that is just the moment your wife walks by, “Do you want me to take that game away from you”, and she’s not talking to the kids.

“I’m sorry honey, I won’t say it again.”  She gives you that look—I married a two year old.

“But he’s cheating.”  Now she gives the worse look—I married a two year old and he’s an idiot.

In the back of your mind you’re thinking—O.K. sucker, if I don’t beat you soon, I’m going to really beat you.

“All right boys, why don’t you go play with that Nerf Shooting thing you got.”  The boys get up happily to shoot at something that won’t swear at them.

“Not so fast Brandon!  You stay right here, it’s me and you, mano-a-mano baby.”

“You want to mano, old man?  Let’s go, I’ll mano you.”

Smart ass doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.  Now I’ve really got a chance, as long as this punk doesn’t have two other targets to shoot at I can stay away from him and beat him with strategy even though he has me beat by dexterity.

After a hard fought battle where I begin to pull ahead, I start the taunts, “You’re going down Brandon, you’re going down…”

Finally I finish him off, proud and victorious.  I beat the little brat, jump and cheer wildly high fiving anyone who walks by. 

Brandon just looks at me dispirited and dismayed that I beat him.

“So big deal, you beat a twelve year old, and my mom says you’re just a heartless conservative.”

“Oh, we are resorting to name calling now…tell your mom it’s better to be a heartless conservative than a stupid liberal.  If I was a stupid liberal, we’d have to play with liberal rules, and you’d never win.”

“What are liberal rules?”

“You’re the best, right?”

“Yeah.”

“O.K., since you’re the best, every time you get three points you get taxed one, and have to give it to me.  So if we are playing to 25 you have to score 32 and I only have to score 18 to win.  How do you like that?”

After a long pause Brandon proclaims incredulously, “I’m going home, you cheat!”

“That’s it Brandon, don’t engage the argument, don’t debate the facts…”

He slams our front door on his way out.  My wife, just coming down the stairs to witness the spectacle exclaims, “What’s going on down here?” 

She stared at me for an answer.

“That kid’s a typical liberal!”

I turned and went back to play Xbox live online where I proceeded to get annihilated by a bunch of other brats since I couldn’t institute the fair and just liberal rules.

For those of you parents who bought Xbox’s for your kids this Christmas, remember to always play by liberal rules; that way when your kids are old enough to buy toys for their kids, maybe they will have voted in a manner that allows them to spend their hard-earned money on your grandchildren instead of someone else’s grandchildren. 

 

Copyright 2007 Jim Pontillo