Sex or Ice Cream

This piece is a little off the beaten trail; I had a horrible week and didn’t get a chance to write about a Teddy Bear named Muhammad or a retarded president over-riding the free market to freeze interest rates.   Just try and get a loan now without perfect credit!   Anyway, Mike and I are off to hunt pigs, tally-ho

If you were married in the Catholic Church like I was you probably got to sit down with your priest and answer questions the Church wanted you to think about before embarking on this lifelong commitment.   I recall the most notable question of this inquiry was, If your spouse was unfaithful, would you forgive them?   The Church clearly wanted you to answer yes to that one.

While I think the Church does a pretty good job at helping couples work through this transitional period, I think there is at least one more question they ought to add to their repertoire.

So here is the setup:

You become stranded on a deserted Tropical Island after a shipwreck.   There is plenty of food to sustain you all the white rice you can eat (don’t tell me white rice doesn’t grow on tropical islands, that’s not the point).   There are some tropical fruits bananas, papayas, and coconuts, but these take many hours and much effort to procure each day.   There is adequate shelter; you are blessed with a temperate climate and a beautiful blue clear water bay where you can swim and refresh yourself.   Now you can choose: each afternoon you are greeted by an insistently amorous stranger of the opposite sex (same sex if you are homosexual; I don’t want to leave anyone out atleast one column I write ought to be politically correct) who will visit with you for thirty minutes, or a lovely bowl of rich ice cream any flavor you wish.   You can choose only one, and your stay on this island is to last five years.

At first glance, you might impulsively be driven to answer one way or another.   If you are a 19 year old male running around with a rock in your pants 90% of the time we know what your answer is going to be and you don’t need to play.   This question is for the thoughtful individual with a little maturity under his/her belt who understands, sex, like ice cream, can get dull if regimented to such a specific and non-spontaneous setting.

The answer to the question might not hinge on what you would most likely look forward to each day at four in the afternoon, but what you would most be able to tolerate day after day; the relentless onslaught of tasty ice cream presented amidst a diet solely comprised of rice, or the attentions of the amorous stranger offering nothing in the way of companionship other than determined persistent sexual contact.

I originally thought this question would be answered right along the gender preferences society assumes, however, after trying it out on some of my married buddies with children who measure their sexual occurrences in weeks or months, instead of hours or days, and I subsequently pressed them suggesting this was not a take it or leave it decision, but an all or nothing decision where denying either the consumption of ice cream or the amorous advances of the mysterious stranger would relegate the remaining stay on the island without either, no one seemed to answer the question easily.

It seems to me the most compatible couples would tend to make the same choice, although I might be wrong.

I wonder if the Catholic Church will add this one to their list?



Copyright 2007 Jim Pontillo

12 thoughts on “Sex or Ice Cream

  1. The problem is that people need skin on skin contact to feel alive. To go five years with out any physical contact with another person is impossible and unhealthy. Even children need it not in a sexual way but hugs from mom and dad. People can live with out ice cream. So I think any one who picked the ice cream is wrong though they might not want to tell there wives or husbands that they also would give up the ice cream. Oh if this happens to me I hope I’m there with that 19 year old with the rock in his pants.

  2. Well, it’s cofirmed I’m 19.. I’m definitely able to tolerate sex over ice cream. Maybe you can look at it this way.
    Sex promotes fitness and stimulates the brain like a good conservative.

    Ice cream promotes fat, laziness, and poor health and it slows the brain down.  If you think I’m full of shit, just look at Ben & Jerry, two dumb ass liberals who picked ice cream.
    Plus global warmming will melt the ice cream anyway, and you’ll be eating soup of the day–or rice!

  3. Well, those of us (guys) that are a little older and more experienced know of the unforseen hazards in the scenario you put forth.
    Sure, the girl is hot. And she shows up everyday and it’s all supposedly without strings attached.
    Just emotionless, mutually rewarding sex. And then she’s gone, until tomorrow. Not bad at all.
    But after about a month of that, suddenly she needs help with her rent. Wants to know if you’ll buy her a Camaro. Then she wants to move in. Now, you notice her butt is a bout 50% wider than it used to be and she rarely gets out of the stratolounger (did I only imagine she was super hot?).
    Next thing you know, there IS ice cream around, but everytime you open the carton there’s only strawberry left (all the vanilla and chocolate are gone).
    Naw – I think I’ll take a permanent supply of Cherry Garcia over that nightmare anytime.

  4. Eric,

    It truly takes experience to screw up a perfect fantasy.

    Cherry Garcia is my favorite too…must be something in the plastic fumes.

  5. at my age sixty iam focused on staying in shape no booze and iam quiting smoking oh saving money too so iam i a good catholic definetl.

  6. That is quite a question. I would have to go for the sex with the 19 year old. But, don’t tell your father, you know him as well as I do. He would definitely go for the ice cream. It his age what would you expect.

  7. Oh, Come on people – Can’t we be thinking out of the box? Why can’t we have a member of the opposite sex every day covered in Ice Cream?

  8. for most, perhaps a difficult question. For me..not. If the female is a Hillary look-alike, I think self-abuse is in order….I’d anally injected prefer beet-flavored ice creme over that scenario any day.

    • Saw your blog promoted on the Blog Frog this monirng when I logged on!!! And we NEVER let our children eat ice cream in the house either definitely don’t let them lick their plates or the table to get every. last. drop. Not us![]

  9. Why can’t you have both? I think they would go well together lol. Choose the ice cream one time then choose the girl/guy. Save the melted ice cream for a little fun.

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