Spider Eats Democrats

Readers of this column will recall I am occasionally tasked with helping my children do homework assignments.   A job I am wholly unqualified to accomplish.  

I get my patience from my Dad who summarily chewed my ass when I was about twelve after I told him I read a whole book about Woodrow Wilson and then couldn’t explain a single thing about the League of Nations.

After a few more tortuous sessions where I inadequately communicated how to do math problems, I found it was easier to never ask my dad for help with school work and just suffer the consequences of poor grades.   The strategy didn’t make me so well educated, but it sure made me self-reliant!

Presented with the typical grammar school assignment, I had to scratch my head.   These damn papers never have enough information to completely understand the mission without digging details out of your kid who is supposedly expected to fill out blank portions of the paper providing the important missing link.   After maneuvering that minefield I proceeded to read the rest of the information which would hopefully equip me to help this kid do his work.

The paper instructed us to write a news article explaining that a giant Arachnid attacked many people after an earthquake.   In addition to writing this news report, the assignment required the inclusion of five words that would need to be highlighted or underlined:


Each word included a definition which made sense, except for Democrat.   That short definition described the word people interested in social equality.

I was instantly ticked and asked my kid what social equality was.   His retort was convoluted at best, but his general message was that Democrats want everything to be fair.   I promptly asked him to explain to me what fair was and interrupted him before he could writhe free from my building consternation.

If Democrats want everything to be fair, does that mean Republicans want everything to be not fair, because this is the connotation those so called educators are trying to indoctrinate you to believe?

My kid replied I guess , and began to reveal a recognizable frustration he had with my expressive tactic.

This is a bunch of crap.   Democrats want social equality as long as they are in political power and have the where with all to define and enforce their vision of what social equality is.


To them social equality is the rich pay for everything, the Bill of Rights is toilet paper, and everything bad in the world would not exist if George W. Bush didn’t steal the election from Al Gore, and John

Moooom! the kid ran from the room screaming.

My wife came back into the room with my son sheepishly following for unneeded protection.

What is wrong with you?   Just help him get the paper done.

Do you read this crap?   Do you

I don’t care.   I’m tired and Anthony is tired.   You’re frustrating him.   Just help him finish.   Please!

I guess I was headed off track but somehow it seemed worth it.   I surrendered that it was easier to finish the paper and hope my kid doesn’t turn into a raving mad liberal (although some of his tendencies do scare me) than to put either one of us through anymore unnecessary discomfort.

So here it is.   I actually think it’s our best homework assignment yet.

Spider Eats Democrats
By Anthony Pontillo

Placentia April 15, 2008 In response to unethical confiscations by our United States government, God unleashed a terrible earthquake which left a huge crack in the earth.   A giant Arachnid emerged from the crack and devoured many tax endorsing Democrats.

What follows is a chronicle of the events:

At 12:00 noon a 6.0 earthquake hit Placentia, CA and created a huge crack at Chapman and Kraemer from the IHOP to City Hall.

Hyperactive workers fled from government offices creating a mania and commotion.

The over activity attracted a dastardly beast from beneath the earth.

A giant spider emerged from the crack and devoured the crazy Democrat workers.

One brave Republican with a sharp trident attacked and slew the dreadful monster.

The moral of the story is, even God doesn’t like unfair taxes!  


I  wonder if the ACLU will represent us when my kid gets expelled.   I’m not worried about the Democrat eating spider part, but the horrible acknowledgment of God


Copyright 2008 Jim Pontillo

21 thoughts on “Spider Eats Democrats

  1. Hahaha you may yet be hauled off by the ACLU…

    My thought on the issue is that Republicans are the best proponents of the ultimate social equity- the freedom of opportunity. We are all created equal, but our decisions from then on decide the rest of our lives.

    Just say Democrats are regressive egalitarians and that should work well as a definition. Wannabe socialists doesn’t do them justice.

  2. Acknowledgment of God is most appropriate. If either of the present dem candidates should, for any reason (demise of John McCain for instance), become president, we will have to depend on God to save our great nation.

  3. Suddenly another crack opened. More spiders!

    Some folks went out and looked around, trying to assess the situation, wanting an informed opinion of what was taking place around them.

    Others tuned in to cable news or talk radio in order to be told what to think.

    Some people acknowledged the problem, accepted that the problem rested on their shoulders, rolled up their sleeves, and went to work fixing it.

    Others just prayed. Prayed during commercial breaks, that is…

    One valiant republican, a stalwart, salt-of-the-earth deer hunter, charged to the fore, rifle in hand; oops, he shot his friend in the face.

    The president took to the airwaves to calm the populace: “today, we’ve…uh…ummm…you know…there’s been a whole lotta…ehmm…bravery…terror…uhmmmmmm….FREEDOM!!!

  4. Jim, I personally love the story. Just out of curiosity what did the school and your wife say about it? Did he really turn it in? Doesen’t sound like a elementy kid to me.

  5. When I was in High School I experienced the exact opposite. My history teacher was a republican, and was teaching me to think differently than my father. He was not happy.
    However, because my father had very little influence on me, I managed to survive his liberal thinking.
    As you know he was a double dipper and married
    a women 35 years younger than he, and had a third child at the wipe old age of 59. Then he proceeded to live until he was 91. He played the system better than anyone else. He never had to work very hard.
    Changing the subject, Anthony may get an F for his homework. The teacher will think he was a little young for such provoctive thinking.

  6. Pretty sure that “democrats” in the assignment meant people who believe in democracy. Way to drag your awful partisanship into your elementary son’s school life as well as his home life!

  7. P.S. exploiting your position as a trusted authority figure to teach your son that Democrats are inherently bad and Republicans are inherently good is indoctrination. Just a fun little tidbit to chew on the next time someone on this site accuses “Democrats” of indoctrination.

  8. Way to teach your child to be a free thinker. I think throwing your lop-sided view of the world and your partisan politics onto your child was grossly uncalled for, to say nothing of being flat wrong. Labeling people and their character, belief systems and moral fiber based on their political affiliation is nothing short of bone headed. I know many patriotic, moral, and delightful citizens. Some of them are even Republicans.

  9. Crumb,

    My children will become so well indoctrinated by my horrendous influence that they will obtain good jobs, run businesses, and make lots of money. They will then be called upon to pay support for those hapless pessimists who have embraced the ideology that ascribes personal responsibilities to government elitists and surrenders independent individual value, unable to muster the strength of character required to achieve success in a land where freedom reigns supreme.

    What a bad Daddy!

  10. The Daily Chronicle

    Mania in U.S. as Hyperactive Democrats Debate!

    by Fundie Nutjob (www.fundienutjob.com)

    The country is still reeling after the two top Dems debated last night whether the nations oral health care problems would be solved by the federal government subsidizing Trident gum. Though it was a close debate, most people believe Hillary won by making points like “9 out of 10 democrats recommend subsidies for their patrons who use them.”

  11. This is a truly ridiculous article. So you can beat your son in a political argument. How very impressive.

    Next week Jim proves how intellectually redundant the democrats are by winning a debate on redistributive justice with a tramp.

  12. Jim:

    You can’t know that. For all you know, the way you’re raising him could turn him into a closed-minded, backwards white trash hick sucking down welfare dollars because the world moved on and “Republicans” [your ideal Republicans] didn’t. You can;t know the future, so don’t use it to justify your actions in the present.

  13. That’s the difference between me and you Crumb, I expect to succeed and I expect my kids to succeed although I could be wrong.

    You expect for failure and you’re probably right.

  14. Crumb

    Believe me, Jim’s children will be very successful.
    He and his wife Kim are doing a terrific job of raising their boys.

    Their boys will all be able to think for themselves, and make intelligent choices.


  15. I have a feeling one day soon the idiotic voters of this once (and for now) great country are going to wake up after watching Amerikan Idol and other brainless crap and realize that they have gotten just what they asked for…a socialist country…they kind of system our founding fathers would have vomited on…. I am getting to the point where I would just assume start fighting now….so that my grandchildren might not have to in the future. That is what it is coming to…when we have the country split in half and the basic tenents of the warring political philosophies are so completely unreconcilable and one advocates stealing the property and rights of others it can only come to one conclusion….. this I fear. So vote for Osama Obama or “Take those windfall profits” Clinton and continue down this path.

  16. To the reader who took umbrage with the story. I think you missed the tongue placed firmly in cheek. Lighten up.
    To the reader who believes Jim mis-defined democrat. Democrat and democracy are not the same thing. And I for one have never been in favor of a “democracy”. I don’t like the idea of majority rule at all. I believe in a Representative Republic and rule of law. The constitution being the law, under which all people are equal. That way, when the majority want something unethical, immoral, or other wise reprehensible, they don’t get it. Rule of law all the way, baby!

  17. Very insightful commentary; really locates the genuine attempt of the Republican Party to cater to the masses and as was demonstrated by Bush’s term, elevate the economy to unprecedented heights. Not to mention an extremely successful war that is on the verge of stabilizing the Middle East. Fellow “middle class” citizens, workers of the US: do not be fooled by the propaganda of evil Democrats! You have a lot to gain from Republican domination, namely; liberal Muslim butt-kicking, fair taxes(which is no taxing), economic stability, elimination of arachnids and most importantly, who else can summon God to help us, heathen democrats? Why we are so desperate that we need Godly assistance I don’t know since my brain is only as big as a spider’s :( I want to see a doctor but my insurance expired and I’m screwed :(

  18. Hey Dangalak,

    A I know what you mean, I live in Canada and I to wanted to see a Doctor for the same reason, just to find out that I have to wait a year just to talk to someone! But I’m sure glad I don’t have to worry about having to make the choice between paying my insurance to see a Doctor right away or buying more weed. Universal Healthcare Smokes!

  19. Jesus Dave, where do you live? Some shithole like Saskatoon? Out east [do I mean Quebec or Europe?] we don’t wait a year to see a doctor!

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