Readers of this column will recall I am occasionally tasked with helping my children do homework assignments.Â A job I am wholly unqualified to accomplish.Â
I get my patience from my Dad who summarily chewed my ass when I was about twelve after I told him I read a whole book about Woodrow Wilson and then couldnâ€™t explain a single thing about the League of Nations.
After a few more tortuous sessions where I inadequately communicated how to do math problems, I found it was easier to never ask my dad for help with school work and just suffer the consequences of poor grades.Â The strategy didnâ€™t make me so well educated, but it sure made me self-reliant!
Presented with the typical grammar school assignment, I had to scratch my head.Â These damn papers never have enough information to completely understand the mission without digging details out of your kid who is supposedly expected to fill out blank portions of the paper providing the important missing link.Â After maneuvering that minefield I proceeded to read the rest of the information which would hopefully equip me to help this kid do his work.
The paper instructed us to write a news article explaining that a giant Arachnid attacked many people after an earthquake.Â In addition to writing this news report, the assignment required the inclusion of five words that would need to be highlighted or underlined:
Each word included a definition which made sense, except for Democrat.Â That short definition described the wordâ€”people interested in social equality.
I was instantly ticked and asked my kid what social equality was.Â His retort was convoluted at best, but his general message was that Democrats want everything to be fair.Â I promptly asked him to explain to me what fair was and interrupted him before he could writhe free from my building consternation.
â€œIf Democrats want everything to be fair, does that mean Republicans want everything to be not fair, because this is the connotation those so called educators are trying to indoctrinate you to believe?â€
My kid replied â€œI guessâ€, and began to reveal a recognizable frustration he had with my expressive tactic.
â€œThis is a bunch of crap.Â Democrats want social equality as long as they are in political power and have the where with all to define and enforce their vision of what social equality is.â€
â€œTo them social equality is the rich pay for everything, the Bill of Rights is toilet paper, and everything bad in the world would not exist if George W. Bush didnâ€™t steal the election from Al Gore, and Johnâ€¦â€
â€œMoooom!â€ the kid ran from the room screaming.
My wife came back into the room with my son sheepishly following for unneeded protection.
â€œWhat is wrong with you?Â Just help him get the paper done.â€
â€œDo you read this crap?Â Do youâ€¦â€
â€œI donâ€™t care.Â Iâ€™m tired and Anthony is tired.Â Youâ€™re frustrating him.Â Just help him finish.Â Please!â€
I guess I was headed off track but somehow it seemed worth it.Â I surrendered that it was easier to finish the paper and hope my kid doesnâ€™t turn into a raving mad liberal (although some of his tendencies do scare me) than to put either one of us through anymore unnecessary discomfort.
So here it is.Â I actually think itâ€™s our best homework assignment yet.
Spider Eats Democrats
By Anthony Pontillo
Placentiaâ€”April 15, 2008â€”In response to unethical confiscations by our United States government, God unleashed a terrible earthquake which left a huge crack in the earth.Â A giant Arachnid emerged from the crack and devoured many tax endorsing Democrats.
What follows is a chronicle of the events:
At 12:00 noon a 6.0 earthquake hit Placentia, CA and created a huge crack at Chapman and Kraemer from the IHOP to City Hall.
Hyperactive workers fled from government offices creating a mania and commotion.
The over activity attracted a dastardly beast from beneath the earth.
A giant spider emerged from the crack and devoured the crazy Democrat workers.
One brave Republican with a sharp trident attacked and slew the dreadful monster.
The moral of the story is, even God doesnâ€™t like unfair taxes!Â
IÂ wonder if the ACLU will represent us when my kid gets expelled.Â Iâ€™m not worried about the Democrat eating spider part, but the horrible acknowledgment of Godâ€¦
Copyright 2008 Jim Pontillo